Trying to write to keep myself honest and in control. This is Day 5. I'm down 2 1/2 lbs...big deal, huh? Today was the first day this week I didn't lose...boo hoo, poor me. I didn't exercise yesterday 'cos I had to go to the unemployment office. On the plus side, when I went grocery shopping, I wasn't really craving anything. Usually on grocery day, I get   1 "off-diet" food, like Ben and Jerry's or Reese's cups. But yesterday I spent the same amount of money on a nice, fresh, mixed-fruit cup and had it with a Zone bar when I got home. I ended up with 835 calories for the day, which is the lowest I've been able to do since I started this time.

Things that help -- 3 different kinds of gum at 10 calories a stick, and a big bag of Lifesavers to suck on at 15 calories each. After I eat, since I'm still usually hungry, I'll have a handful of Lifesavers and a few pieces of gum. By the time I finish,  I've added some calories, but I'm not hungry anymore after just a small meal or snack.

I'm hungry now, but every morning on this "plan," I do a notebook of affirmations, goals, and wt charts, then read Thinspo an hour, then get on the treadmill for 1 /12 to 2 miles, and then take a bath. THEN, I can ear.
So da da da...here I am, just writing (counts in my thinspo hour) and doing some deep breathing and waiting fof the hunger to go away.

I check in here often and read other people's posts. Everybody inspires me and gives me ideas and hope. So to everyone going thru' the same struggle, hope you day is lighter than air.   Jen

Clip from Awards Show

In the middle of the screen, we see a single, sparkling star. Glitters of light spread from it in all directions. It is dazzling. As we watch it, the camera pans back, back, back. We see that the star is on a theater marquee, and as the camera pans back more, we see that the marquee decorates a glam, 1940's-style Hollywood theatre. Kleig lights graze the skies. Limousines and a red carpet line up along the theatre. When we have grasped the setting, the camera takes us up close and then through the front door into a celebrity-studded audience applauding the good-looking, young couple on stage. They are Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart, in tuxedo and spangled gown.
Robert: (peering at teleprompter): So, Kirsten. Here we are onstage, ready to give out the award for Couple of the Decade.

Kristen: (looking sullen, reading flatly, embaressed to be part of this): Yeah, and guess what? We're nominated.

Robert: (smiling gallantly): Yes, we are, Kristen! In fact, the nominees are: (whips out envelope, opens it and reads) Rober Pattison and Kirsten Stewart (wild applause)

Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watsoon (crowd goes wild, giant picture of Harry and Hermione appears behind them)

Steven Tyler and Joe Perry (camera pans to Tyler and Perry in second row, giving each other a high-five across the aisle)

Robert (continues reading): Angela Jolie and Brad Pitt! (movie scenes of "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," figures running in jungle, appears on back screen to audience applause)

Kristen: (looking over Robert's shoulder at paper) And -- (screws up face) this can't be right. The last nominees are .....Adam Lambert and Tommy Joe Ratliffe? (looks at camera, stunned)

Robert: (Tries to give her kiss on cheek; she ducks) That's right, Kristen! Wow, we're in good company tonight!

Kristen: (impatiently): Come on, let's get this done.

Robert: (opening envelope with a flourish): And the winner is (dramatic pause) Robert (yelling gleefully): Adam Lambert and Tommy Joe Ratliffe!

Crazy, wild, earth-shattering applause. Mayhem in theater. Camera swings to mid-row, where Adam, dressed in a blacfk satin tux with silver sequin lapels, jumps up as spotlight hits him. He turns and hugs Tommy Joe, hair shimmering in the lights, whom we now see beside him. The pair jogs to the stage, waving to left and right, as the orchestra plays the opening bars of "Fever." Adam and Tommy climb up the steps to the stage where they receive foot-tall golden statuettes of two abstract forms embracing each other.

Tommy: (standing on tip-toes to reach mic): Geez! This is rad! I mean it! I can't believe it! Wow! Rad

Adam turns in a flash, swoops down on Tommy and bends him back in a romantic kiss that seems to last forever. The crowd is now standing and cheering wildly.

Adam (gives TJ a last smile and holds hand up for silence.): I just....I just want....People, okay, okay, thank you....thank you....I....Shhhh, really....I just want to thank the person who made this award possible. (Crowd quiets; you could hear a pin drop.) This would not have been possible without....

(Pause. Somebody yells out "C'mon! Who?")

Adam (looking straight at right-hand section, a hundred rows, where a group of people, three-quarters women, are standing and cheering, some crying and hugging. All wear matching tee-shirts with glittery "A's" on front.) (camera swings back to Adam and Tommy)

Adam: This would not have been possible without a member of the fan club. And I'd like her to come up here now, so I can give her a big kiss. Her name is--

Then....at that moment....we all wake up.

'Adommy fan fic: "For Your Entertainment"


           "Well, I got my boots on, got the right 'mount of leather
            And I'm doin' me up with a black collah linnah...." 

          I was humming as I made my way backstage after the concert. I flashed my all-acess pass at the brute guarding the door and walked into the room.
         Immediately, I was hit by sights, sounds, and sensations. A blond boy sitting on the floor laughed uproriously at something the glitter-faced girl with her head in his lap said. A PR woman was shouting, "Darrrrling!" in a voice so much like Fran Escher in Spinal Tap that I had to grin. The flashing of the lights gave the room a feeling of unreality.
         I saw a giant-sized velvet chair off to one side and headed for it.  As I settled back, I felt like Goldilocks in Papa Bear's bed, The chair -- really a lounge that stretched out  far enough to lie down on, -- made me feel tiny. It seemed to wrap itself around me as I lay back to survey the scene.Or maybe  the odd feeling came from the excellent weed I had smoked during "Music Again." 
          I saw Adam immediately, of course. He was the ccenter of a noisy group of fans, publicists, friends, and record company people. He seemed to glow -- I thought I could see sparks flying off him, he was that charasmatic.  Not like the old days. Tommy was harder to locate, but I finally found him, half-sitting on a stool over by the make-up table. He was fiddling around with a Gibson accoustic, matching chords and notes to the musiic that blared out of the speakers and bounced off the walls.
          As I watched, he leaned over and set the guitar carefully on a stand beside him, stood up, and stretched a little. He still wore his stage clothes, and I could see the glitter sparkle around his eyes everytime the lights flashed.   Then, hands in pockets, he meandered over to an unobtrusive side door I hadn't noticed before and slipped through it. Adam kept talking -- I could  feel the post-show adrenaline from where I lay. But his eyes followed Tommy -- or was I imagining it?
           A few minutes later, he proved me right.
          "Gotta go.....nature calls." He stood up as the flashy boy at his feet groaned at the cliche'. He, too, stretched, and I could see the bulge in his pants from across the room. Then he slipped into the same side door that Tommy had entered.

           I must have dozed a few minutes, as the next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes and rubbing them. Thru' the dark, I could see that I was in a small room bereft of furniture aside from the huge, four-poster bed a few feet  from my corner. On it, Adam and Tommy lay side-by-side, facing each other. As I watched, Adam stroked Tommy's cheek.
            "Ah, GB" he moaned softly. "I want you bad."
             Tommy just smiled.
             Adam propped himself up on one elbow, face above Tommy''s, then loweriing until their lips touched. Tommy groaned, and his arms went around Adam's neck. I could see the stiffening in each of them from my seat in the shadows.
             I'm not sure what happened next. I was watching Adam and Tommy share licks, kisses and touches. Clothes were tossed onto the floor, and then Adam's body was on top.  I watched dreamily as he pumped, carefully, gently at first, then more forcefully, and my ears were filled with their labored breatihng, moans, and sighs. Occasionally,  Adam lowered his head to Tommy's and half-whispered something in his ear. Tommy just smiled that enigmatic smile.
            Someitmes it was like seeing a play, as if they were onstage; sometimes I felt far away, like I was looking through the wrong end of a telescope. Other times, I was floating just above them or kneeling by the bed. Once, I thought I was between them. their sweating skin like soaked velvet.
             Without warning, I was back in my dark corner. Both bodies shuddered, almost simultaneously. There was one soft, low, "Ahhhhhhh," and then one of them said the other's name -- just that -- the name.
             And then I heard another name.
              "Jenny?" It was Adam. He had rolled over on his back, Tommy cuddled under one arm. Adam looked directly into my eyes and then repeated --

                "Jenny? Jenny?"
                I opened my eyes. Adam's face was a few inches from mine; he was laughing softly. Then a bejeweled hand appeared in front of my eyes;, and he snapped his fingers.
               "Adam," I whispered. Was I awake or dreamiing, in the "bedroom" or back in the main room? Then my senses kicked in -- the flashing of the lights and  raucous laughter of the after-party filled my head. Adam was grinning like a stoned angel.
               "Oh, you ARE awake! Wow, I invite you backstage when I hit San Diego, and you crash out on me!"
               He pulled me up. I could feel a silver skull ring on his little finger embed itself in my skin. It felt good. It felt like Adam.
             "Come on -- I want you to meet some people, " he said, pulling me toward a velvet couch. "I;ve been telling them stories about you and me in high school. Re. member the night with the parrot?"
             I didn't know what had just happened. I remembered entering the post-show party I remembered sinking into the "Papa Bear chair." Then, in  a flash, I remembered the rest.
            Had it been a dream, I wondered, as Adam pulled me down on his lap. Or the weed? Maybe I had gone down the rabbit hole.
           Just then I saw Tommy. He was half-sitting on a stool by the make-up table, fingering an old Gibson accoustic. As our eyes met, he smiled gently. Then, putting one finger against his lips and holding  my gaze, he made one sound.


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